I just found all my blogs that I used to have. And I realized I have been blogging since 2006!
But that aside, after reading through the few entries here and there, I realized one key thing that kept popping up on my blogs. I had to stop reading and just remember who I am now for a moment.
As those were private blogs, the emotions I had were pretty dark and scary. Compared to who I am now, I have a strange sense of achievement and pride to have got so far.
Most of the friends I have will describe me as a strong and loving character, mainly happy and sociable. But I wasn’t like that all my life.
The next few paragraphs are going to shake the core foundation of what many people know of me. And I feel the need to warn you guys, if you keep and retain the image, the sam you know, better to skip the next few paragraph.
Despite being an over achiever in secondary school and poly, I always felt the need to prove myself. Then I made one bad decision after another. Got into abusive relationships and got drunk every other night. Got into company that dragged me down and left me to rot. I was broken.
I was an anorexic when I left poly. A sleeping pill and antidepressant junkie when I started uni. Half worked and half studied to support myself through uni and medical appointments. Started modeling (one of the few good things that happened) but that didn’t last long. I prayed countless times throughout the day to just die. Multiply attempts of suicide till I gave up.
Graduated with shitty results, got into a job too hastily, and left hastily as well. And started my almost dream job of teaching. But had the constant fear that they might dig up my past life.
That’s when life started to get better. I went to the right church, I started eating right, stopped my antidepressants and got a guy that loved me back to wholeness. Zits and all. Started flying and gaining confidence, got new friends that pull me up and push me to be the best I can be.
Its hard to see such darkness behind these happy smiles, shiny cars or happy personality. But I am a living example that it is possible! There is really light at the end of the tunnel! A better world that God wants you to belong to. You just have to let Him! And hang on for the ride!
So HANG ON!!! And remember you might not be as awesome as you wanna be now, but you ARE AWESOME to someone out there and one day, he or she will show you how awesome you really are.
Thanks Daniel! For being my awesome companion in life.=)
Loads of love